| my horoscope says.. |
[20 Aug 2006|11:54am] |
You continue to drive with one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake, yet cannot understand why you are slowing down when you try to accelerate. For every reason to move forward there's another one telling you to stand still. But logical analysis isn't going to give you the resolution that you seek. Let go of the brake; your thoughts will only muddy the real issues of the heart.
now i read this things for fun...they are vague so, usually a sentence hits someone right. it's funny when they are totally off or just in general. But this one describes me in present in a way i was unable to recently. sad when the horoscope nails you. haha
Anyway, my homeless self is hanging out in ScS until Friday. although i wish i could go back a lil earlier, this break is well needed. So, if you're around and free- call me or find me. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore but eh...i'll throw it out there anyways.
-♥-
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| where is my summer?? |
[01 Aug 2006|09:10pm] |
- -it just passed me by- -
how sad is it that in August, I'm already praying for Christmas to hurry up?
back in scs this weekend. I just want to sit still for days on end. ok, so that's a lie..i more so, want to not worry and mentally be still.
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| You're so cute when you're slurring your speech.. |
[22 Jul 2006|02:14pm] |
| [ |
music |
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the working title |
] |
hit the 21 mark. =)
and the best present this year was a simple reminder:
that through the crazy schedules, many miles, and too much time in between...
I have the world's greatest friends- and I always did.
I'm lovingly thankful♥
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| Full of such contradictions... |
[25 Apr 2006|02:20pm] |
well, well, these days I am more contradictory than usual. Busy yet bored. Tired yet wide awake. calm yet frantically stressed. Happy yet bothered. i could go on...but i won't- you get the picture.
In the past few months i've found the words i've been searching for in the past few years. The ones i needed so badly to help make you simply understand. And that leaves me with a strange feeling in my stomach. i'm learning still, learning how to let go. Lately, i've done a lot of letting go but having an explaination is....leaving me feeling contradictory again. haha strange how that works in life.
I have many thoughts and lately i think i've been focused on leaving. i go back and forth on this inncessantly. Am i simply running away? Can i really leave my family and friends? What would i be throwing myself into? What's there for me? i know i have another year to make this decision- it just looms in my head. i want to go. in part. i want to stay forever. in part. i guess, i'm scared of growing up. i'm uncertain i will be able to stop being indecisive in my choices. i don't know what i want. i'm fully aware life's mine for the taking. other than happiness- i'm not sure what i want from it leaving me up for where ever life takes me. i need a change of pace. But mostly i need a change for those around me.
♥ for summer.
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| Vienna |
[12 Jan 2006|08:58pm] |
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The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone
Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone
Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone
So this is your maverick
This is Vienna
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| I'm looking for passion.. |
[31 Dec 2005|04:49pm] |
another year has gone by- insane. I can hardly believe how quickly my life is going without a second thought to any of it time rolls on. Well, here we are waiting and counting down the hours till the clocks start over. This time around will it be easier or simpler? will we be sweeter or more empathetic? will we break hearts or have ours broken? or will we finally find ourselves feeling safely in love? will we forgive, be forgiven, or simply keep going on day by day because it's all we know how to do at this point? I'm rambling because it's all i know how to do these days. Here's to a new year: full of the things you need and the things that make you stronger and more understanding. and maybe the year i'll stop rambling. Goodbye 2005.
"everything i thought i knew walked out on me and so i keep searching for my next chance around."
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[07 Dec 2005|01:30pm] |
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With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's
I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say
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| Where we've been is all we'll be.. |
[04 Dec 2005|02:30pm] |
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Break around the outside
bury me in this skin
cuz i can't feel a thing skimming the surface
and everytime i fall further
I swear you pull me under just to see how far i'll get
I just can't belive the words you speak sometimes
throwing pounding static at me
If it meant anything at all
you'd recall all this slipped time
but you go on & on circling back
leaving empty notes on steps
never giving up a thing inside
keep them guessing, head against heart
i'm tired from half sleeping
& it's a long cold walk back to "how's it been?"
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| Null and Void. |
[15 Nov 2005|12:07pm] |
I'm standing on the edge of morning, wishing you were here, and it's all begun breaking down. I can hear your voice so clearly these days, It seems I'll never get away, just walking through remembered feelings, waiting for something to hit. -Click- Take me home but only when you mean it.....Naive- you said I play it oh so well.
I want it to be BREAK. I don't even have it so hard class wise, I just want to see my friends and goof off and laugh for hours. I miss that. I don't even remember the last time i updated..haha..just in case, the wedding was tons of fun. Minus a few minor issues. I had soo much fun dressing up and if i already updated with this, then it just refelcts how much i loved it ha. i'm mucho exhausted though..I need to work on that. and a million other things, mmm i'll get there. But the roommate just got home and soo rented a movie from regs and eric...so i'm off to watch Boondock Saints whiiiich "kinda makes me feel like river dancin" hahaha
<3
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| now that our things are divided he refuses to speak and i'm driftin to sleep at the wheel.. |
[08 Nov 2005|09:38pm] |
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music |
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Motion City Soundtrack |
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Hockey games, medical claims, police reports, terrible grades,
I'm so proud of all the things you've done.
These are the things I think about when I'm alone without you
I wonder of your whereabouts and hope like hell you're happy where you are.
"I'm alright, I'm alright."
I can see through everything you say, and all the lessons I never learned..
You used to say that "you're just fine!"
But I still wonder all the time.
I know I say that I'm just fine,
But I hope you wonder from time to time.
I was nervous from the start that our muscles might tear us apart
From the words that carve our lives to the words that take us by surprise
(I was never taken by surprise.)
From the sounds that disappear to the changes we begin to fear
(I can hear you clearly.)
One day I'll fail to breathe and all you'll have are memories
(All we are are memories.)
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?
wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
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| or kindly let this lonely soldier be... |
[01 Nov 2005|07:32pm] |
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so it's one of those days where it's getting to me...more than usual. I don't know what is going on and no at the moment it's not ok. i'm not feeling alright about it. who am i fooling- i like security. the security of knowing where i stand or don't.
I'm stressed and shouldn't be doing anything other than studying but here i am frustrated, stressed, kinda upset, and thinking about everything BUT what i need to be thinking about.
On the bright side- i get to go pick up my dress for the wedding this weekend tomorrow after class. =) on the down side- i have to work FOREVER tomorrow aaand Jay isn't even going with me to the wedding anymore. so, fingers crossed on that one.
"Love be for real this time, or kindly let this lonely soldier be. Fear, my old friend, disappear.."
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| "what do you say we go for a ride? |
[26 Oct 2005|09:38pm] |
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music |
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Something Corporate |
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what do you say we get high? Cuz i'm soo tired of days that feel like the night."
mm..just blank empty paper staring back at me. That's all we ever will be. A blank piece of paper with dirty ripped edges, pencil smudges, and impressions left from other pages long since given away.
yeah, so work's going good managed not to screw up for the past two weeks =) good stuff. Damn dates..Is it really important what date it is? oh well. Classes may be starting to get the best of me. I'm starting to hate Spanish- i used to love it. I'm just not having fun with it anymore and people are talking AT me a mile a minute...chill the fuck out and BREATHE between sentences please. aah! I'm just in a yuck mood tonight. set off by a dumb ass set of events but none the less, here i am in my room closed off, headphones on, and just typing away. Cuz i'll feel like i can breathe again once i write something...anything. I think it's a journal night. And this was pointless- haha sorry guys i'm boring. In better news, I starting fixing the shirt i'm turning into a boy scout uniform for Halloween. hehehe Flag patch on...made my Boy Scouts of America one out of ribbon just have to sew it on. And then i'll be set. =)
and with that long pointless entry i'm back to writing for Anthropology. night kids!
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| Say anything but say what you mean.. |
[19 Oct 2005|03:55pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Mae: Suspension |
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I'm in this skin twisting and turning. anxiously waiting. holding out and waiting to breathe freely again. I miss so many things. I fear I'll never feel again. wait in time you'll see. it's what you used to say to me. I'm falling faster now and I don't know if he'll catch me. I'm scared, this head and heart are constantly at war. I'm fighting harder to change my mind. I'm looking frantically to find a ledge. Just let me stand awhile on solid ground to get this together- i swear i'll leap again if it's true. I'm just not sure in all the words i hear that there's something meant for me. terrified to blindly trust. I'm falling faster now and I don't know if he'll catch me.
"lately i'm alright..i don't need to know right now, all i know is i believe in the very thing that got us here and now i can't leave, say anything but say what you mean, when you whisper you want this..we are gaining speed i can barely breathe cuz i'm caught in suspension..i can't seem to stop this now, even if it's not so clear.."
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| the incoherent insomnia rambles on.. |
[09 Oct 2005|11:15am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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punishment- shedaisy |
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i wanted it to be simple. no long talks about things that tomorrow won't mean anything. no throwing noise around. nothing crowding my breathing room. nothing leaving me exposed to the cold wet wind.
i wanted it to be easy. just to look at you and know what to say. just to hear your words and feel a quiet rush of relief. a simple smile. nothing more; nothing less.
i was fooling myself. we all fool ourselves. truly it's always something more or something less. these things are never easy and they are never simple. it's complicated and twisted and hard to see through to the other side. this never ending drama filled story about jealousy, lies, and the ones caught in the middle. who wants that life? people are screaming for it. blaring their radios and acting like fools. craving this attention that gets them nowhere. maybe tomorrow they will see. there is no forcing it. if the glass slipper didn't fit last night; in the morning it will still shatter into pieces when you push.
it may not be simple or easy or any of those things most of the time but it's never meant to be shattered in pieces from being forced on.
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| Introduce me to the moment but i'm looking to stay forever.. |
[02 Oct 2005|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 just chill |
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music |
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Mae- giving it away |
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The job in the psych department came through...I'm really excited about my boss' research too (ADHD studies) and she's SUPER cool and waay laid back. It seems like it's a really good fit in that aspect. Only drawback, I have to learn almost everything haha i'm so qualified. But eh, i'm not worried about it.
school is good. I am good- i think i caught the random cold that's going around but eh. I had a great weekend with the most random things happening ever! "prove it" *singing* "someone's at the door, someone's at the door"...me- 'YES I now have a singing doorbell!' I am home. no more questioning that- i am home. =)
ok, and that's all you get for a random update of my life (first real one in a while, i know I freewrite here more so).
*you asked me to stay forever well you know that i would i would do anything, and if you'd be honest and say what you mean you know i would promise i'd do anything cuz i know that without you i'm giving it away and nights are forever and maybe i'm wrong but it feels like i'm so lost without you so i step towards the heat...by the way you brought me here it makes me believe the best is still yet to come and i don't want to leave- i won't but anyway..cuz i know there's a reason i'm in this too deep*
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| So this is home.. |
[18 Sep 2005|02:41pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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Follow Through- Gavin Degraw |
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i'm bored inside of here. I'm boring and lame. i'm continually staring at a blank slate where there used to be an amazing whirlwind of colors constantly distracting and never ceasing to change.
ooooooooooooooooor maybe we're all liars. Pretending. wrapped up in these thoughts and moments no matter how colorless and empty they can be sometimes but continually calling them fantastic and vivid and worldly. Cuz if we say it loud enough and long enough; one day we may believe. We may wake up in the morning no longer wrestling under the covers with these thoughts of unassured uncertainty, longing desire, and a general lack of motivation or an over abundance of motivation to get to the nothingness you've found creeping under your door through the night.
*clears throat*
But truly this is all too cynical to have been real in your life, right?
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| These are the moments. |
[02 Sep 2005|11:31am] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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Copeland |
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So, I've moved into my apt and so far things are going great. First week of classes down. Still slightly nervous- cuz some of em are tough but i'll get the hang of it in time.
Saw Dashboard at the Wharton center on Sat night- Hello, say anything cover! I was excited- prolly more so than for his own stuff haha which is kinda odd. This weekend was great times being goofy.
I'm easing into things lately and it's all good. A friend of mine is helping me get a job in the psych research department. exciting! I hope it all works out.
I'm coming home for labor day weekend. Woah, crazy gas prices. Hopefully, things get better in New Orleans. I was watching the 20/20 and other news with some friends last night- it's sad. I can't say anything else.
Hope everything is fantastic for you guys.
I miss you all and even if you don't think it- i think of you often and smile.
so, thank you for that.
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| this is where my heart becomes troubled.. |
[21 Aug 2005|07:37pm] |
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In his speech to the Republican National Convention, President Bush announced a $1 billion plan to enroll poor children in government health-insurance programs. But at the end of September, the Bush administration returned $1.1 billion in unspent children's-health funds to the Treasury. As a result, six states participating in the State Children's Health Insurance Program will not be able to meet their budgets in 2005. According to two analyses by advocacy organizations, the federal money could have provided health coverage for 750,000 uninsured children. The National Governors Association and a bipartisan group of legislators had asked for an extension on SCHIP spending, but Bush refused to include such an extension in the budget.
During his speech at the convention, Bush said that "in a new term, we will lead an aggressive effort to enroll millions of poor children who are eligible but not signed up for the government's health insurance programs. We will not allow a lack of attention, or information, to stand between these children and the health care they need." It is projected that 17 states will run out of SCHIP funds by 2007.
(Source: Ceci Connolly, "Words, Actions at Odds on Children's Health Care," Washington Post, September 25, 2004. See article at: washingtonpost.com.)
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| ..loss of focus.. |
[15 Aug 2005|12:59am] |
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due to crossed eyes.
haha..finals week again- 3 exams. and no focus left.
aside from that it's good. apartment business taken care of. job search underway. health in check. friends and family factastic. could i ask for more? maybe, job search complete..haha in due time. i'm content.
i move out the 24th.
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